Bella Cavicchi2020 has been quite a ride for all of us, yet I have a lot to be thankful for.
Before Covid even came to the states, I felt very anxious about it. I feel my chest tightening again just writing about it. I had read so many articles about how it affected those with underlying health conditions including asthma, which I have, so my immediate reaction was panic. I was terrified of what the virus might do to my body, and if it could severely affect me or hospitalize me.
Several months later, I got Covid, and fortunately, it did not affect me as bad as I thought it would.
The day my symptoms started, I began writing everything down, just in case, even though I though I had a sinus infection. This is a quick overview of my symptoms:
- Day 1-3: sneezing, congestion, headache, sinus pressure, feeling a lump in my throat, low grade fever
- Day 4-6: chest tightness, loss of taste and smell, headache/ fogginess, loss of balance, body aches
- Day 7: cough, headache was worse, still couldn’t smell anything, horrible back pain
My symptoms started slowly going away after day 8, but the back pain lasted until I started getting up and moving again. My brain honestly still feels a little foggy at times, especially with my memory and when I am in mid thought. While I was home, I drank tons of water, took daily vitamins, used a spirometer to strengthen my lungs, checked my oxygen levels for peace of mind, and read.
My time in quarantine changed my perspective on some things.
I’m not gonna lie, being quarantined for almost 3 weeks is rough. I live with 2 other people (one of which is my sister), but we didn’t sit in the same room every day and spend a lot of time together when we were sick. For the most part, we were pretty much alone.
Personally, when I was alone, I was scared because I knew there was still the possibility that my symptoms could get worse, so my mental health was steadily declining. My heart would start racing, my arms would shake and I would start crying uncontrollably – I was having panic attacks and couldn’t see anyone or go anywhere to calm down.
This is the moment I hit my breaking point. There’s a difference between having a breakdown and hitting your breaking point. I have breakdowns all the time, but I rarely hit my breaking point. I knew after this happened that it was time for me to make some real changes in my life no matter what kind of sacrifices that meant I had to make in my personal life, because I had to put myself first.
I’m about to get very vulnerable, but this is where others are hopefully empowered to share and get real, too.
I have always considered myself spiritual rather than religious, but have always struggled with forming an actual relationship with God. What I want to share though is something that someone told me a couple years ago when I went through a really tough time. She quoted Paul Miller:
The criteria for coming to Jesus is weariness. Come overwhelmed with life. Come with your wandering mind. Come messy… Instead of being frozen by your self-preoccupation, talk with God about your worries. Tell him where you are weary.
This quote has stuck with me for years. I haven’t been actively utilizing it because I’ve lost my faith along the way for a number of reasons, but I’ve recently begun to understand the power of the meaning behind these words. When you are truly weary and broken, and you feel like you are lost and empty, God does fill the void. He heals when you feel guilt, pain, sadness, anger, hurt, regret, tired, etc., (all feelings I’ve written down in the last week).
I have had so much clarity in my life since surrendering my heart.
No, my problems haven’t gone away; I still have days that I’m anxious, restless nights, or days that I just break down in the shower or in the Chick-Fil-A parking lot (sorry to the poor girl who just asked me how my day was going!). I still have coping mechanisms that I need to improve in order to balance other areas of my life, too, but there are also so many great things that have happened in my life just this week!
I have a better relationship with my family; I’ve had hard conversations that I’ve been avoiding for years. I have been present to spend quality time with each family member individually. I’ve seen people in my family personally grow because of being closer to them and it brings me to tears. I’ve started going to church again. I’m exercising regularly and trying new things. I’m writing for my blog again! 🙂
I deleted my social media (other than to promote my blog) because I find myself using it in unhealthy ways. To be completely open, while I was quarantined, my average screen time was around 8 hours a day. Before that, it would average near 5 hours, and now it’s around 1-2 hours. It is absolutely crazy how much time I spent on those apps. I think it was all TikTok… anyway.
I really believe a social media detox is a great idea for anyone who is struggling right now with everything going on in the world.
After just a week without checking any social platform, I have felt so much more clear, and I have been doing more things I enjoy like spending time outside, exercising, reading, writing, and just feeling more present with people I surround myself with.
Most importantly, I am happy where I am today. I have sad moments and joyful moments, but at the end of the day, I have found peace with myself and where I am in my growth and my current place in this world, and I think that’s a pretty big accomplishment.
Wherever you are today in your healing and your growth, just know you’re never alone.
There is always someone you can reach out to. If you have a broken relationship in your family, I encourage you to talk to them and create a healthy relationship again (if they are receptive).
If you are in a relationship right now and you feel like you’re struggling, talk to each other and see if there is something deeper you aren’t communicating, or boundaries that are being crossed/ need to be established.
This year has been hard on everyone, and hard on relationships, so tell your loved ones you love them, and if there’s someone out there you care about, let them know you care. You never know when it will make a difference in someone’s life.
Love,
Bella