Bella CavicchiI think we have all wondered at one point in time what it really means to love yourself.
“You can’t truly love anyone until you love yourself.” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard this… well you already know how that saying goes.
While I knew this was true, I didn’t really understand what that meant, or even how to do it. After talking with some close friends and family, it turns out many of us don’t know how to do this.
Society tells us to take “self-care” days. We see this portrayed as taking the day off, running a bath, having a glass of wine, applying a face mask, and maybe binging a show on Netflix. Sometimes, self-care is even described as indulging yourself with a shopping spree, sweets, or a trip to the nail salon.
So I tried these things. I went out and bought my bath bombs, face masks, sat in my tub watching Netflix, grabbed my glass of wine with a fresh manicure, and anticipated this sense of relief to come over me. All I really got out of it was a hangover, a smooth face, and cute nails for two weeks.
When nothing changed, I’d tell myself, “today’s not the day.” I’d try again a couple weeks later. Still nothing. Sure, I felt relaxed, less anxious, and even peaceful on the days that I did this, but I wasn’t getting to the core of my problems; this was more of a bandage.
What I came to learn after much research on myself and others who felt like me, was that I had been deeply affected by events in my childhood that I had brushed under the rug as normal.
This was and is the beginning of my self-care and self-love journey. I call it a journey because there is a destination – and that destination today is acceptance, forgiveness, and love.
There will always be a new destination once I get to where I’m going. I will always be in the work of self-care and self-love.
My self-care routine has definitely evolved over time. While it used to be something I saved for days that I overextended myself and felt burnt out with life, it is now something I am in the practice of daily. I enjoy journaling and reflecting on how far I’ve come; I like to read books based on specific situations in my life; and I like to talk to others with similar experiences to get their insight on life.
That being said, I have learned that there really are so many people out there who feel the same way I do, and I decided that I am going to do something about it.
I have been researching ways I can help those who may be unaware of how their childhood trauma could be affecting them in their day-to-day life without ever realizing it.
This could affect anything from relationships, job happiness, confidence, and self-worth. I’ll touch more on this in another blog, so stay tuned 😉
I’m going to share another part of my story in light of my self-care epiphany.
I just recently closed a very intense, painful chapter of my life for good. No amount of epsom salt filled bubble baths and face masks could heal the brokenness of this closure.
Without going in to details about who or what type of relationship this was, this individual had a hold on me like no other and I felt powerless against it. I would feel completely at their beck and call, despite my instincts telling me to run the other way.
When I write this description in a less personal way, I find that it fits a number (not all) of past relationships in my life from childhood to now.
I fell into the same pattern that I had become accustomed to from childhood.
I gave my all to this person out of pride. You might be wondering what I mean when I say that, because “giving your all” sounds like it would be pretty selfless, right?
No. I thought that the love I gave was selfless. I love hard. I love so others will appreciate me. I love with the unconscious intention of feeling validated and wanted.
Before I continue, I want to also acknowledge that I do love out of pure selflessness for many of the relationships in my life; my baby brother, Rocco, is a prime example. He’s had my heart since the day he was born and that’s not changing – ever.
When I finally realized that maybe – wait for it – I could be the common denominator in my life, I cried the kind of tears you only let out by yourself when no one is around. I sat in bed, shaking with heartache and confusion asking myself WHY I allow myself to get hurt like this time and time again.
It’s difficult to look in the mirror and see through the person you’ve been portraying on the outside for so many years.
My baby sister, Sara, introduced me to the writing of Don Miguel Ruiz who beautifully and articulately wrote,
“What others say and do is a projection of their own reality.”
Here’s the epiphany I’ve been referring to:
We only know what we have been taught to be true. We all live in our own reality based on how we were raised, what we grew up being taught, and how we received love as a child.
On one hand, I grew up receiving praise for my good behavior, good grades, and other “good” things I accomplished. I was held to high standards, and I always achieved these standards because of my perfectionist personality.
Little did I know that “perfectionism” is actually a way in which we protect ourselves from harm.
As quoted by the great Brené Brown,
“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It’s a shield. It’s a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from flight.”
I tried to think about why I am drawn to chaos, unpredictability, and avoidant personalities. Then my sister reminded me of a time I was condemned for setting boundaries, sharing my true feelings, and standing up for myself as a child.
Tears trickle down my face as I write this because it brings me back to the first time I can remember holding back from speaking my needs in fear of disappointing others, and of being invalidated.
I can see it in myself now.
I avoid conflict, I have a hard time setting boundaries, and I blame myself for anything that goes wrong in my relationships.
“I should have seen this coming.” “I should have listened to my instincts.” “I should sacrifice my happiness for others.”
Because that’s how you receive true love, right??
Before I learned proper self-care for myself, how could I have been aware that anything was wrong?
I had learned once that it was “bad” to be vulnerable, and that there are emotional consequences for having needs.
I had to unlearn this thinking and begin to set boundaries in my life where I saw fit. This is what it means for me to take care of myself. I had to look deep inside myself at the the core of who I am by sitting with the uncomfortable pain of my past. I had to ask hard questions and answer them honestly.
Part of my self-care is speaking kindly to myself.
I am in the practice of daily affirmations, and generally changing the way I speak about myself to others when I make a mistake or do something I’m not proud of. It may seem small, but this has helped improve my overall anxiety induced depression immensely.
I am now able to see others in a new light. I see people as more unaware of how their own upbringing could have lasting effects in their day-to-day life. I am able to feel a sense of forgiveness for those who have hurt me, rather than just “getting over it.”
I can forgive myself for the times I have hurt others because of how unaware I was of my actions and bias.
I still have a lot of work to do, but like I stated earlier, this is a journey, one that I will be on for a long time, and I hope I’ve been able to shed a new perspective if even for just one person. One day I hope to inspire someone enough to unlearn and relearn happiness through self-love.
Love,
Bella